Honestly, fuck Goop.
Fuck its appropriation of ancient, bone-deep wisdom.
Fuck the way it positions holistic health as a high-end luxury.
Fuck it for milking easy, accessible, affordable practices for profit.
Fuck how it offers free healing tools — Breathwork! Meditation! Yoga! — next to $800 serums, making the former seem as privileged and useless as the latter.
Fuck the way it bleaches the beliefs of Indigenous cultures again and again, over and over, until they’re as stiff and white as the collar of a G. Label button down.
Fuck how it turned the primordial relationship between human beings and our habitat into a punch line. (“I don’t know what the fuck we talk about!”)
Fuck it for leaning into its weird, woo-woo reputation, rendering all of its actually-pretty-credible information incredible.
Fuck every single time it shoved intuition and gut instinct into a pretty little package and put it up for sale.
And honestly, fuck Goop’s haters.
Fuck the white haters specifically, the ones who constantly and condescendingly call the concepts that Goop highlights into question. (No fucks directed at the people of color whose cultures Goop has mined for content. Hate on.)
Fuck the holier-than-thous that scoff at holistic healing systems, systems that have supported Asian, African, Indigenous communities for centuries.
Fuck the glorification of Western medicine and vilification of Eastern medicine.
Seriously, fuck that colonizer mindset — because that’s exactly what that is.
Fuck the idea that because something sounds “Goop-y,” it’s gotta be bullshit.
Fuck that they refuse to see past the Goopiness of it all; that they stubbornly stick to the stance that those free healing tools — Breathwork! Meditation! Yoga! — are inaccessible and out-of-touch simply because they’ve been Goop’d. (Think critically, fuckers. They’re not.)
Fuck the framing of “alternative” medicine as anti-science.
Fuck their total and complete misunderstanding of what science even is: an unending search for ever-evolving and always-expanding truth, not hard-and-fast facts! an attempt at unearthing the wonders of the natural world, while knowing we never fully will! a job for the open-minded only!
Fuck them for being so disconnected from their own inherent wisdom and intuition and instincts that they insist the rest of us disconnect, too.
Honestly, fuck ’em all. Fuck ’em with a golden cocktail-ring-cum-vibrator ($100, available on Goop).