Now I Am Become Oppenheimer

"Oppenheimer"-inspired beauty buys — because why should "Barbie" corner the market on movie-themed body modification?

It is totally normal to construct your senses of self and beauty around what you see on the big screen, and it is not weird at all to reconstruct your face and body to reflect a fictional film character — either temporarily (with themed makeup and skincare) or permanently (with a super-trendy plastic surgery procedure). That’s why, on the four-inch heels of the Barbie movie beauty craze, I’m here to help you emulate the star of the summer’s other record-breaking blockbuster: J. Robert Oppenheimer, father of the atomic bomb.

First, gather some friends for a private, pre-Oppenheimer hotel party: just you, your besties, and a plastic surgeon to perform matching buccal fat removal procedures en suite. Finally — the sunken cheeks and jutting zygomatics of Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy) are yours!¹

It’s a fine start, but hardly gaunt and haunted enough. Steal an Ozempic prescription² from a diabetic in need for the side effects: weight loss, rapidly aging skin, and possible suicidal thoughts. Everyone who sees you will think, Hey! Is that the man who unleashed the power of nuclear warfare on the world and has the blood of hundreds of thousands of innocent Japanese citizens and displaced Hispanos on his hands? “Nope,” you’ll say, feeling fabulous. “I just spent a lot of money to look like him!”

Despite being exposed to hair-loss-inducing radiation while testing the A-bomb, Murphy’s Oppenheimer has gorgeously lush lashes. Get the look with Oppenheimer x Grande Cosmetics Bombastic Lash Growth Serum³ or, for immediate results, Forever 21 Eye-sotope Fission Falsies.⁴

Two more official brand collabs you won’t want to miss: the Oppenheimer x NYX Nuclear ApocaLIPS range of glosses (trust me, Plutonium Pucker is the perfect pink)⁵ and the O.P.I. Nails O.P.P.Y. Collection (featuring such shades as Explosive Orange, Communist Red, Stolen Pueblo Turquoise, Sands of Los Alamos Beige, and Uranium Sparkle).⁶

Is that a radioactive glow I see? Or maybe just the grappling-with-the-devastating-consequences-of-my-actions anxiety sweats? Either way, the enviable sheen of Murphy’s skin is reproducible with a layer of Vaseline petroleum jelly. Bonus: Since petroleum jelly is a petrochemical byproduct of the fossil fuel industry — the driving force behind climate change — applying it is almost enough to make you feel directly involved in the downfall of humanity, too! Now who’s become death, destroyer of worlds?

Of course, no J. Robert transformation would be complete without an Oppenheimercore outfit to match.⁷ Head to the theater in a wide-brimmed hat and a boxy, slightly oversized suit. Going all out for the film is, after all, a rare and precious opportunity to embrace your inherent masculinity — being good at science! committing acts of violence! wearing gray pants! — and gather in community with millions of other people expressing themselves by imitating someone else, just like you.

And when you cross paths with a fellow hollow-faced fan, don’t forget to wave and say, “Hi, Oppy!” It just feels good to connect with I.P. people, doesn't it?

1. See: Barbie-themed hotel packages with in-room injectables, Barbie Butt procedures, $120,000 Malibu Barbie plastic surgery makeovers.

2. See: Barbie Arm Botox, Barbie neckline Botox, Barbie Botox parties.

3. Disclaimer: This is a joke — Grande Cosmetics did not make this product! But it did use Barbie marketing to sell lash serum.

4. Disclaimer: This is a joke — Forever 21 did not make this product! But it did make Barbie falsies.

5. Disclaimer: This is a joke — NYX did not make this product! But it did make a Barbie makeup collection.

6. Disclaimer: This is a joke — O.P.I. did not make this product! But it did make a Barbie nail polish collection.

7. Sadly, this one isn’t a joke.