This made me so sad when I read it. I also thought of all the trans kids who are now in danger of not having access to gender-affirming care, and how easy it is for straight, cis people to get surgeries like this. How flippant many parents are about it, how flippant our culture is about it. It also makes me think of Jennifer Grey, they actress from Dirty Dancing, who got a nose job after that role and totally changed her face. Our culture (and all cultures) is so aggressive towards any "look" that's outside the "norm" and the norm continues to be oppressively rigid. To say it bums me out is an extreme understatement.
YES! Yes, yes, yes. It’s a perfect example of how beauty standards are tools of systems of oppression. I hope it comes through when I write about beauty not being solely physical and physical beauty not being truly satisfying, that obviously gender is not solely physical, either, and in cases like being trans or non-binary, one’s mental/emotional/spiritual understanding of gender can of course be supported in the physical realm. But also! When cis people put so much effort into embodying these illogical, physically impossible, highly gendered beauty ideals, we compound the potential dysphoria that trans folks may feel! And when all of us divest from gendered beauty standards, we help create a world that’s less stifling for everyone. It gets me so worked up.
I’m Syrian and have *the* stereotypical Arabic facial features: defined facial structure, dark facial hair that I’m constantly plucking out, and a big nose. When I was still in the Middle East, I was extremely insecure about everything, my face in particular. The pressure on young women to look and behave a certain way was even worse over there unfortunately. It was very common among the elite Syrian families to have their daughters go under the knife to redo their noses - essentially erase the most identifying feature and look “white”. By 20, most young women had the exact same nose, the perfectly ombré or died hair, and if they were lucky enough to have blue or green eyes they were the cream of the crop. At this point they truly all have the same noses, lips, (kardashian) body. After the war in Syria, many of us fled to various parts of the world, and as I tried to transition into my new life in America I felt that my heritage and identity were now tied to one thing: my nose, which might sound a little strange to some. But while my city was getting pummeled by Syrian regime forces and Russian jets it felt like my heritage was getting wiped out, and everything I identified with was being erased, I wanted to hold on to anything that reminded me of it, including my face. After years of battling with my features and fighting my parents to persuade them into paying for my nose job, I am now (ironically) at peace with it. Of course part of it was overcoming the PTSD of war and realizing that my nose is the least of my concerns now. But I’ve come to love my Syrian face because it’s all I have left of home. I know I’ll never be back, but even if I do, many of the identifying features of Syria will have also been erased…
“Oh, it’s so fucking typical of this exploitative system that I feel so ugly but still care so much about beauty" I want to scream this from the ROOFTOP. I need this reminder so often, so thank you for reminding us! Also, the comment about Yolanda and the open thread is just a reminder of what a crippling responsibility mothers have on this topic. It's so easy to pass these toxic traits down unknowingly. Your newsletter is so so important for so many reasons, but especially this one. My mom said to me last month "you're due to start getting some botox" as she stretched my forehead with her fingers. And, as you know, because it was thanks to you and your work that has prepped me for situations like this, I simply said: no <3
Yessss 100%! It's hard because so often, our mothers have the best intentions — they truly want us to live the best possible lives, lives where we're treated well and loved and adored and they think beauty is the way to get that. But it's not! We've just been deluded into thinking it is. It makes me so happy you said no :)
I've lived in Seoul the past four years, and the commentary that Bella's mother allowed/encouraged modifications at such a young age is completely normal here, and a sign of status and wealth and educational accomplishment (a combination of Western-influenced beauty standards and a Confucian-infused caste system). Students (girls and boys) are gifted plastic surgery--nose, eyes, jaws, teeth, ears--for good grades, middle school/high school/university graduation, job promotions, before weddings, etc. Photos are required for job applications, and children look nothing like their mothers. Many children have cosmetic surgery before they are fourteen, and this is seen as something to be proud of. It is normal to openly remark that people should surgically alter their appearance if they can. The effects that it has on people, especially the children, is devastating; they are living in a society that doesn't even pretend to care about other values. Your comment that it stalls personal/spiritual growth resonates so much (to not care about these things makes you irrelevant, a literal ugly duckling). My partner is South Korean, so as 'part of the family' I have been exposed to a lot of these pressures, by other women especially. I am trying to not be too hopeless about the whole thing, so my wish is that at least the definition of beauty can be expanded to go beyond physical appearance, as you said. Trying to contextualize this same-but-different version of beauty culture, and the of beauty culture in my own country (and how it has spread) has been possible because of your newsletter, so thank you.
Oh man, I took an anthropology class on Korean wedding culture in college and it was so eye-opening! So many things have been normalized that should not be considered normal, if only because, like you said, of the psychological side effects (never mind the physical one). I'm sure it can't be easy to handle that pressure and I'm so glad if my work has helped contextualize it in any small way. Thank you for reading & sharing!!
Loveeee this article! Learning to self-love in the midst of recovering from TSW had caused a lot of soul searching for me! Thank you for these amazing posts!
Agree with all of this and want to add: She did not just get a new nose but an entirely new face, and I remember wanting an entirely new face at a time in my life when I wanted to escape my reality.
“everyone here at least, on this particular mailing list — has felt robbed of beauty and subsequently obsessed with attaining it.“— 🤯🤯🤯
This article would have saved me many copays to a therapist.
Lollll me too! Studying the history of beauty standards has done more for my mental health than a therapist ever has ;)
This made me so sad when I read it. I also thought of all the trans kids who are now in danger of not having access to gender-affirming care, and how easy it is for straight, cis people to get surgeries like this. How flippant many parents are about it, how flippant our culture is about it. It also makes me think of Jennifer Grey, they actress from Dirty Dancing, who got a nose job after that role and totally changed her face. Our culture (and all cultures) is so aggressive towards any "look" that's outside the "norm" and the norm continues to be oppressively rigid. To say it bums me out is an extreme understatement.
YES! Yes, yes, yes. It’s a perfect example of how beauty standards are tools of systems of oppression. I hope it comes through when I write about beauty not being solely physical and physical beauty not being truly satisfying, that obviously gender is not solely physical, either, and in cases like being trans or non-binary, one’s mental/emotional/spiritual understanding of gender can of course be supported in the physical realm. But also! When cis people put so much effort into embodying these illogical, physically impossible, highly gendered beauty ideals, we compound the potential dysphoria that trans folks may feel! And when all of us divest from gendered beauty standards, we help create a world that’s less stifling for everyone. It gets me so worked up.
I’m Syrian and have *the* stereotypical Arabic facial features: defined facial structure, dark facial hair that I’m constantly plucking out, and a big nose. When I was still in the Middle East, I was extremely insecure about everything, my face in particular. The pressure on young women to look and behave a certain way was even worse over there unfortunately. It was very common among the elite Syrian families to have their daughters go under the knife to redo their noses - essentially erase the most identifying feature and look “white”. By 20, most young women had the exact same nose, the perfectly ombré or died hair, and if they were lucky enough to have blue or green eyes they were the cream of the crop. At this point they truly all have the same noses, lips, (kardashian) body. After the war in Syria, many of us fled to various parts of the world, and as I tried to transition into my new life in America I felt that my heritage and identity were now tied to one thing: my nose, which might sound a little strange to some. But while my city was getting pummeled by Syrian regime forces and Russian jets it felt like my heritage was getting wiped out, and everything I identified with was being erased, I wanted to hold on to anything that reminded me of it, including my face. After years of battling with my features and fighting my parents to persuade them into paying for my nose job, I am now (ironically) at peace with it. Of course part of it was overcoming the PTSD of war and realizing that my nose is the least of my concerns now. But I’ve come to love my Syrian face because it’s all I have left of home. I know I’ll never be back, but even if I do, many of the identifying features of Syria will have also been erased…
“Oh, it’s so fucking typical of this exploitative system that I feel so ugly but still care so much about beauty" I want to scream this from the ROOFTOP. I need this reminder so often, so thank you for reminding us! Also, the comment about Yolanda and the open thread is just a reminder of what a crippling responsibility mothers have on this topic. It's so easy to pass these toxic traits down unknowingly. Your newsletter is so so important for so many reasons, but especially this one. My mom said to me last month "you're due to start getting some botox" as she stretched my forehead with her fingers. And, as you know, because it was thanks to you and your work that has prepped me for situations like this, I simply said: no <3
Yessss 100%! It's hard because so often, our mothers have the best intentions — they truly want us to live the best possible lives, lives where we're treated well and loved and adored and they think beauty is the way to get that. But it's not! We've just been deluded into thinking it is. It makes me so happy you said no :)
I've lived in Seoul the past four years, and the commentary that Bella's mother allowed/encouraged modifications at such a young age is completely normal here, and a sign of status and wealth and educational accomplishment (a combination of Western-influenced beauty standards and a Confucian-infused caste system). Students (girls and boys) are gifted plastic surgery--nose, eyes, jaws, teeth, ears--for good grades, middle school/high school/university graduation, job promotions, before weddings, etc. Photos are required for job applications, and children look nothing like their mothers. Many children have cosmetic surgery before they are fourteen, and this is seen as something to be proud of. It is normal to openly remark that people should surgically alter their appearance if they can. The effects that it has on people, especially the children, is devastating; they are living in a society that doesn't even pretend to care about other values. Your comment that it stalls personal/spiritual growth resonates so much (to not care about these things makes you irrelevant, a literal ugly duckling). My partner is South Korean, so as 'part of the family' I have been exposed to a lot of these pressures, by other women especially. I am trying to not be too hopeless about the whole thing, so my wish is that at least the definition of beauty can be expanded to go beyond physical appearance, as you said. Trying to contextualize this same-but-different version of beauty culture, and the of beauty culture in my own country (and how it has spread) has been possible because of your newsletter, so thank you.
Oh man, I took an anthropology class on Korean wedding culture in college and it was so eye-opening! So many things have been normalized that should not be considered normal, if only because, like you said, of the psychological side effects (never mind the physical one). I'm sure it can't be easy to handle that pressure and I'm so glad if my work has helped contextualize it in any small way. Thank you for reading & sharing!!
No really, thank you!
No if’s, and’s, or maybe’s, you got it right on the nose.
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Loveeee this article! Learning to self-love in the midst of recovering from TSW had caused a lot of soul searching for me! Thank you for these amazing posts!
TSW was the start of my soul-searching too!! I’m so glad you’ve found my work helpful 😊
I found you through the TSW community 😘❤️
You're doing amazing work!
Agree with all of this and want to add: She did not just get a new nose but an entirely new face, and I remember wanting an entirely new face at a time in my life when I wanted to escape my reality.
YES, that’s such a beautiful way to put it!! The expansiveness of actual beauty makes the physical seem inconsequential in comparison 🙌🏻