I often don’t realize how indoctrinated by beauty culture I have been until I come here. Every essay helps me be like eeeew that’s not true, somebody just put that toxic idea in the water. I would have felt totally confident saying that making an effort to look pretty would be a prerequisite for dating. What a strange baseline, especially if you’re not ultimately interested in attracting a partner on that basis. Frankly, it’s a horrible friction to set in motion from the start. And yet it never would’ve occurred to me that you could just be bare faced to signal what you actually want reflected back. These presumptions are so built in...it scares me.
Lol I'm sure most people wouldn't! Honestly though I think it strengthens my reporting — I've been devoted to the beauty industry and I've divested from the beauty industry, so I have perspective on both and a better understanding of why/how beauty culture is so powerful and why/how it's so difficult to leave it behind :)
My current partner is 9 years older than me, which makes him 60 to my 51. Early on in our relationship he encouraged me to stop dying my hair-- a habit I had acquired somewhat late in life to stave off the obvious indications of my aging. Part of me resented his encouragement. Like, I get to do whatever I want with my body, Mister! I didn't ask for your opinion. And I did rag on him a little because I realized that his motivation wasn't necessarily to free me from beauty culture, but because when my grey hair shows he feels less old next to me, comparatively. But it's also true that he likes me just the way I am, without all of that extra fussing and work to pretend I'm something that I'm not, and THAT is a tremendous relief. It ripples out to every aspect of our relationship-- our communication, the quality of our sex, all of it.
This is beautiful and I hope you feel lovely and uninhibited! One of my friends is in a relationship with a 14 year age gap and when the younger partner’s hair dyeing stopped he said, sweetly and with genuine relief, “we finally look like we match.” Here’s to love at any age :)
Jessica, Thank you so much for linking to my comic! I'm a big fan and subscriber, and your writing inspired me so much while writing the ART issue of Blind Data. It gave me the courage to dig deep because I knew I wasn't the only person thinking this way and suffering from toxic beauty standards in the dating app world. So thank you for all your work and for including my comic! <3
I like how your "now" photos are taken out and about from (presumably) you just living your life. Your 2015 photos remind me of my own photos from around 2015 -- I always would search for blank walls with zero signs of life because I thought having anything in the background would make my photo look too "messy." Interesting how the beauty culture lens expands in a photo to the background itself, not just the makeup.
I’m usually not interested in porn, but maybe if the bodies are real and relatable I am? I haven’t hit the link yet. I’d love to hear from readers who do. What do you think?
The origin story of MLNP is really interesting. Cindy Gallop (founder) is an older woman who likes to have sex with younger men. But what she discovered is that they were fucking like they were in a porn movie and expecting the same from her because that's how they understood sex, due to the availability of porn on the internet. She created this platform to present a more realistic version of sex, bodies, pleasure. From my understanding, it's still a startup and she has difficulty obtaining VC funding. I would encourage you to check it out and support the vision!
No doubt men feel a sense of status when they have a conventionally hot woman on their arm. Conventionally hot women have more choices in partners so landing one makes a guy look good, and like he “won” out against other guys. Would love to read a brave man’s story of un-learning dating this way, un-learning what to look for in a woman.
wow, the photos of you from 2015 and now are like night and day. it’s not hard to imagine why they would attract different types of people! i’ve learned so much from your newsletter about beauty culture and its direct associations with power, community, and acceptance. thank you for helping me gradually reframe the way i interpret my motivations for wanting to fit beauty standards and live more in accordance with my values!
I think about this issue all the time and the question I always come back to, for 20 odd years now (since I was 15) is this. "It’s important for us, individually and collectively, to shift the focus from looking fuckable to doing the actual fucking (if that’s what you want to do).” But in order to do the fucking, someone must wish to fuck you, correct? How do you do that? How do you get someone to want to fuck you? I have absolutely no idea! Not one! And it's overtaken my brain, every thought I have is "how do I get fuckable" and I still don't know. I so appreciate Jessica's work and yet I am still driven by this question.
This is so good: “What do I think adhering to this particular beauty standard will get me? Is there really any evidence to show that it will get me that thing? And is there another way that I can work toward this goal?” For me: a) blending in better or feeling more professional, b) hell no and c) by divesting from beauty culture and spending more time thinking about ideas instead of worrying about what my damn face looks like to other people! BURN IT ALL DOWN
I found it a deeply satisfying read as well as a helpful tool for deprogramming the Must Always Wear Makeup Imperative.
This is good one from it; "Be straightforward about the fact that this is something superfluous, extravagant, and nonessential that you want that she can either decline or accept, not something she should probably be doing already."
& then the writer simply suggests that if he enjoys the thought of makeup so much, why not he give it a try? Which I truly, truly hope he did.
No offense taken — that's nothing I haven't already written about myself, blondeness, lipstick, or beauty culture before! Lol. And you're thinking of Audre Lorde, "The masters tools will never dismantle the master's house." I wrote about that quote in regards to anti-aging technology last year here: https://jessicadefino.substack.com/p/joe-jonas-xeomin-botox-injectables
I often don’t realize how indoctrinated by beauty culture I have been until I come here. Every essay helps me be like eeeew that’s not true, somebody just put that toxic idea in the water. I would have felt totally confident saying that making an effort to look pretty would be a prerequisite for dating. What a strange baseline, especially if you’re not ultimately interested in attracting a partner on that basis. Frankly, it’s a horrible friction to set in motion from the start. And yet it never would’ve occurred to me that you could just be bare faced to signal what you actually want reflected back. These presumptions are so built in...it scares me.
Wait. Wait. The blond woman is also you, too, right? Wow. It’s like we put on a costume and I’ve never looked at it that way before.
yes, the blonde woman is me!!! it's wild right? i don't know her anymore lol
LOL! You “Mariah Carey-d” her!
It probably feels like the you from a parallel universe when you look back at that time.
Wow! I’m in shock. I never would have guessed that was you.
Lol I'm sure most people wouldn't! Honestly though I think it strengthens my reporting — I've been devoted to the beauty industry and I've divested from the beauty industry, so I have perspective on both and a better understanding of why/how beauty culture is so powerful and why/how it's so difficult to leave it behind :)
My current partner is 9 years older than me, which makes him 60 to my 51. Early on in our relationship he encouraged me to stop dying my hair-- a habit I had acquired somewhat late in life to stave off the obvious indications of my aging. Part of me resented his encouragement. Like, I get to do whatever I want with my body, Mister! I didn't ask for your opinion. And I did rag on him a little because I realized that his motivation wasn't necessarily to free me from beauty culture, but because when my grey hair shows he feels less old next to me, comparatively. But it's also true that he likes me just the way I am, without all of that extra fussing and work to pretend I'm something that I'm not, and THAT is a tremendous relief. It ripples out to every aspect of our relationship-- our communication, the quality of our sex, all of it.
This is beautiful and I hope you feel lovely and uninhibited! One of my friends is in a relationship with a 14 year age gap and when the younger partner’s hair dyeing stopped he said, sweetly and with genuine relief, “we finally look like we match.” Here’s to love at any age :)
Jessica, Thank you so much for linking to my comic! I'm a big fan and subscriber, and your writing inspired me so much while writing the ART issue of Blind Data. It gave me the courage to dig deep because I knew I wasn't the only person thinking this way and suffering from toxic beauty standards in the dating app world. So thank you for all your work and for including my comic! <3
I just read the comic and damn. My big takeaway was that cis straight men are really really fatiguing, even when they're pretty good.
I just read through all the comics on your site because of this link -- they're amazing!! The ghosting one also really hit home.
Love. Your. Muumuu.
I like how your "now" photos are taken out and about from (presumably) you just living your life. Your 2015 photos remind me of my own photos from around 2015 -- I always would search for blank walls with zero signs of life because I thought having anything in the background would make my photo look too "messy." Interesting how the beauty culture lens expands in a photo to the background itself, not just the makeup.
I’m usually not interested in porn, but maybe if the bodies are real and relatable I am? I haven’t hit the link yet. I’d love to hear from readers who do. What do you think?
The origin story of MLNP is really interesting. Cindy Gallop (founder) is an older woman who likes to have sex with younger men. But what she discovered is that they were fucking like they were in a porn movie and expecting the same from her because that's how they understood sex, due to the availability of porn on the internet. She created this platform to present a more realistic version of sex, bodies, pleasure. From my understanding, it's still a startup and she has difficulty obtaining VC funding. I would encourage you to check it out and support the vision!
Will do!
No doubt men feel a sense of status when they have a conventionally hot woman on their arm. Conventionally hot women have more choices in partners so landing one makes a guy look good, and like he “won” out against other guys. Would love to read a brave man’s story of un-learning dating this way, un-learning what to look for in a woman.
Not just your look but your body language is so different in the 2015 photos.
wow, the photos of you from 2015 and now are like night and day. it’s not hard to imagine why they would attract different types of people! i’ve learned so much from your newsletter about beauty culture and its direct associations with power, community, and acceptance. thank you for helping me gradually reframe the way i interpret my motivations for wanting to fit beauty standards and live more in accordance with my values!
I think about this issue all the time and the question I always come back to, for 20 odd years now (since I was 15) is this. "It’s important for us, individually and collectively, to shift the focus from looking fuckable to doing the actual fucking (if that’s what you want to do).” But in order to do the fucking, someone must wish to fuck you, correct? How do you do that? How do you get someone to want to fuck you? I have absolutely no idea! Not one! And it's overtaken my brain, every thought I have is "how do I get fuckable" and I still don't know. I so appreciate Jessica's work and yet I am still driven by this question.
No makeup Jessica is the standout beauty for sure. 💛 The best love is comfy love. Sweatpants, bed head, morning breath, leg stubble love. 💕
This is so good: “What do I think adhering to this particular beauty standard will get me? Is there really any evidence to show that it will get me that thing? And is there another way that I can work toward this goal?” For me: a) blending in better or feeling more professional, b) hell no and c) by divesting from beauty culture and spending more time thinking about ideas instead of worrying about what my damn face looks like to other people! BURN IT ALL DOWN
Love you boo!!
LOTS of great goodies here, thanks as always for sharing your experiences.
ICYMI, there was a glorious answer given on this Slate advice bit from 2020 to a guy wondering if there was a non-sexist way to suggest his girlfriend wear more makeup; https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/08/dear-prudence-dating-makeup-beauty-sexism-advice.html
I found it a deeply satisfying read as well as a helpful tool for deprogramming the Must Always Wear Makeup Imperative.
This is good one from it; "Be straightforward about the fact that this is something superfluous, extravagant, and nonessential that you want that she can either decline or accept, not something she should probably be doing already."
& then the writer simply suggests that if he enjoys the thought of makeup so much, why not he give it a try? Which I truly, truly hope he did.
No offense taken — that's nothing I haven't already written about myself, blondeness, lipstick, or beauty culture before! Lol. And you're thinking of Audre Lorde, "The masters tools will never dismantle the master's house." I wrote about that quote in regards to anti-aging technology last year here: https://jessicadefino.substack.com/p/joe-jonas-xeomin-botox-injectables