Loved this. As always. And that Audrey Lourde quote... *books next tattoo*.
Recently, a good friend told me she had started posting TikTok content about her many many skincare regimes, and I watched her blush and look possibly the happiest I've ever seen her when she told me that someone commented underneath that she looks as though she's in her 20's (we're both in our 40's, and her videos are about skin in your 40's). It was a heartbreakingly sad moment for me. Obviously I said nothing, but I died a little inside. That I would see such a truly rare display of happiness in her, because someone said she looked like she was in her twenties (the decade of absolute hot mess), almost as though she was happy to pretend for a moment that she hadn't lived the last two decades, had all that life-experience, grown into a full-on woman, fought those battles, gotten to know herself, her children, so much more about the world.
Personally, I can't think of anything worse than regressing to my 20's again!
I don't know why I'm sharing this, other than I fell so sad about it, and I feel like this group of people might get it.
I just find myself smiling benignly at these kind of discussions, because I haven't got the words and I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to hurt her.
I feel odd when people tell me I look younger than I am. First, I think why is that better? I love the way people have so much depth of experience in their faces, their reality. I feel more youthful again after taking 2 years to lose an embarrassing amount of weight (not totally there yet). Getting fit again has made a big difference too. But while it's great to feel younger, the comments about looking so, frequently leave me wondering about the motivations of the praise. With some men, obvious. From close friends, well meaning definitely. On social media, who knows? My only foray into social media was for 6 days. Among many other things that drove me off so quickly was the obsession with appearance, as well as all the bragging about the appearance of their carefully curated lives. Appearance is All. I'm sorry your friend has chosen at this time to find so much happiness in this 'validation' of her outward appearance. Even with the best skin care, surgery, and other options, aging will not be denied. Your sadness may in part lie in the knowledge of this inevitability for her, and that the more she becomes invested in this flattery as her source of happiness, the greater the fall. If she has interests you could praise, things that bring her joy and personal satisfaction, perhaps she will find her self-esteem from within. Hopefully, it could be a natural transition you can facilitate. You are a good friend, Imogen!
Thank you for this! I think it stems from low self esteem, so I keep trying to encourage her to find things in her life (other than skincare!) To be interested in and enjoy, things that will fees her self esteem, because we all know that "compliments" about the way we look doesn't actually do that...
I saw an Instagram post a few months back featuring a group of Silver Sisters on how beautiful grey hair is and how embracing their grey hair feels more authentic...and quite a few were USING FILTERS. And no one in the many comments mentioned this disconnect, except me (politely). Apparently the correct response is to to tell them how beautiful they are. Even thinking about it now makes me feel like l'm going crazy.
Several older female colleagues of mine stopped dying their hair in 2017. I think they all look lovely, but I've refrained from saying so, because i didn't want to feed into the cycle of commenting on physical appearance... What do you think about this question - to compliment or not?
I wonder whether a compliment on a cool growth pattern or other feature of their hair you admire would feel better than a general compliment? For example, my sister has a Claire Saffitz-esque gray streak at her hairline that I think looks so cool and witchy. I personally find that specific compliments on appearance feel more thoughtful and genuine.
I stopped dying my hair in 2019 (I’m 45 now), and I love receiving compliments on it - even if it’s just “I like your hair.” It can be scary to go grey in our current culture, and I’m pretty sure those women would love to hear that you think they look lovely! Besides, it’s just a nice feeling to compliment someone else (if you want to/it’s genuine), and to share some positivity 😊
I have been growing out my silver for just over a year now - the more they grow, the more liberated and powerful I feel. It’s been a trip - from the questions (what does your husband think? Ummmmm he was the one to encourage me but also - it’s not about him!) to compliments on the street from older and younger women to a comment from a friend that could have been interpreted as an insult. What’s been most profound, is that perhaps, for the first time ever, I do not care about who likes it or doesn’t. It’s not about outside approval or validation. It’s about my own growth and self-acceptance. That has been the gift, it’s not about the hair at all, it’s about arriving at the seat of our own selves, a self that is determined by our own desires and wants and not tangled up with patriarchal visions that are not of our own making. For me it was about choosing something authentic to where I am now in my life.
Reading this, my first thought was GOD PEOPLE ARE RUDE. Maybe don’t tell people your unsolicited opinion about their bodies or hair choices. I am a redhead and think comments from strangers about your natural hair color in general are boring as hell. I didn’t choose this, it literally just grows out of my head. Comments about some fabulous mermaid dye job or elaborate hairstyle because you applaud their effort and creativity? Totally different.
I’m a 38 year old redhead with growing patches of white around the temples that almost look like a bald spot in the right lighting. I don’t want to dye my hair or let others influence how I feel about it, so I continue to fade to peach. The school nurse had lovely apricot hair that glowed around her pale face. That’s what I guess l will end up with.
Great article! I still dye my hair/roots. I didn't start greying until in my 50s (I'm almost 63). I have noticed if you start greying early (20s or 30s) the grey seems to be the majority and prettier! I'm scared to let mine grow out because I truly think mine would not look good! I love beautiful grey hair! AND...my hair is one of my worst features. I guess I just need more "gumption!" Also, several of my friends say they will NEVER stop coloring their hair. Guess I will know when I get there, if ever I do!
Loved this. As always. And that Audrey Lourde quote... *books next tattoo*.
Recently, a good friend told me she had started posting TikTok content about her many many skincare regimes, and I watched her blush and look possibly the happiest I've ever seen her when she told me that someone commented underneath that she looks as though she's in her 20's (we're both in our 40's, and her videos are about skin in your 40's). It was a heartbreakingly sad moment for me. Obviously I said nothing, but I died a little inside. That I would see such a truly rare display of happiness in her, because someone said she looked like she was in her twenties (the decade of absolute hot mess), almost as though she was happy to pretend for a moment that she hadn't lived the last two decades, had all that life-experience, grown into a full-on woman, fought those battles, gotten to know herself, her children, so much more about the world.
Personally, I can't think of anything worse than regressing to my 20's again!
I don't know why I'm sharing this, other than I fell so sad about it, and I feel like this group of people might get it.
I just find myself smiling benignly at these kind of discussions, because I haven't got the words and I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to hurt her.
Blurg.
I feel odd when people tell me I look younger than I am. First, I think why is that better? I love the way people have so much depth of experience in their faces, their reality. I feel more youthful again after taking 2 years to lose an embarrassing amount of weight (not totally there yet). Getting fit again has made a big difference too. But while it's great to feel younger, the comments about looking so, frequently leave me wondering about the motivations of the praise. With some men, obvious. From close friends, well meaning definitely. On social media, who knows? My only foray into social media was for 6 days. Among many other things that drove me off so quickly was the obsession with appearance, as well as all the bragging about the appearance of their carefully curated lives. Appearance is All. I'm sorry your friend has chosen at this time to find so much happiness in this 'validation' of her outward appearance. Even with the best skin care, surgery, and other options, aging will not be denied. Your sadness may in part lie in the knowledge of this inevitability for her, and that the more she becomes invested in this flattery as her source of happiness, the greater the fall. If she has interests you could praise, things that bring her joy and personal satisfaction, perhaps she will find her self-esteem from within. Hopefully, it could be a natural transition you can facilitate. You are a good friend, Imogen!
I heard someone compliment a woman once, “oh you look so young!” And she neutrally replied “ok.” 🤌🏻
Thank you for this! I think it stems from low self esteem, so I keep trying to encourage her to find things in her life (other than skincare!) To be interested in and enjoy, things that will fees her self esteem, because we all know that "compliments" about the way we look doesn't actually do that...
I saw an Instagram post a few months back featuring a group of Silver Sisters on how beautiful grey hair is and how embracing their grey hair feels more authentic...and quite a few were USING FILTERS. And no one in the many comments mentioned this disconnect, except me (politely). Apparently the correct response is to to tell them how beautiful they are. Even thinking about it now makes me feel like l'm going crazy.
i would absolutely feel crazy too. filters are insane.
Several older female colleagues of mine stopped dying their hair in 2017. I think they all look lovely, but I've refrained from saying so, because i didn't want to feed into the cycle of commenting on physical appearance... What do you think about this question - to compliment or not?
I wonder whether a compliment on a cool growth pattern or other feature of their hair you admire would feel better than a general compliment? For example, my sister has a Claire Saffitz-esque gray streak at her hairline that I think looks so cool and witchy. I personally find that specific compliments on appearance feel more thoughtful and genuine.
I stopped dying my hair in 2019 (I’m 45 now), and I love receiving compliments on it - even if it’s just “I like your hair.” It can be scary to go grey in our current culture, and I’m pretty sure those women would love to hear that you think they look lovely! Besides, it’s just a nice feeling to compliment someone else (if you want to/it’s genuine), and to share some positivity 😊
Ohhh, good question to ponder…
Loved this!! I'm starting to go a little grey at 31 and I'm trying to just embrace it as normal!
I have been growing out my silver for just over a year now - the more they grow, the more liberated and powerful I feel. It’s been a trip - from the questions (what does your husband think? Ummmmm he was the one to encourage me but also - it’s not about him!) to compliments on the street from older and younger women to a comment from a friend that could have been interpreted as an insult. What’s been most profound, is that perhaps, for the first time ever, I do not care about who likes it or doesn’t. It’s not about outside approval or validation. It’s about my own growth and self-acceptance. That has been the gift, it’s not about the hair at all, it’s about arriving at the seat of our own selves, a self that is determined by our own desires and wants and not tangled up with patriarchal visions that are not of our own making. For me it was about choosing something authentic to where I am now in my life.
Reading this, my first thought was GOD PEOPLE ARE RUDE. Maybe don’t tell people your unsolicited opinion about their bodies or hair choices. I am a redhead and think comments from strangers about your natural hair color in general are boring as hell. I didn’t choose this, it literally just grows out of my head. Comments about some fabulous mermaid dye job or elaborate hairstyle because you applaud their effort and creativity? Totally different.
I’m a 38 year old redhead with growing patches of white around the temples that almost look like a bald spot in the right lighting. I don’t want to dye my hair or let others influence how I feel about it, so I continue to fade to peach. The school nurse had lovely apricot hair that glowed around her pale face. That’s what I guess l will end up with.
Great article! I still dye my hair/roots. I didn't start greying until in my 50s (I'm almost 63). I have noticed if you start greying early (20s or 30s) the grey seems to be the majority and prettier! I'm scared to let mine grow out because I truly think mine would not look good! I love beautiful grey hair! AND...my hair is one of my worst features. I guess I just need more "gumption!" Also, several of my friends say they will NEVER stop coloring their hair. Guess I will know when I get there, if ever I do!