37 Comments
Oct 28Liked by Jessica DeFino

Filling out that form was like therapy for me lol. Thank you for all the work you do ❤️

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thank you for responding!!

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Oct 28Liked by Jessica DeFino

Found I didn’t know how to respond the first question about level of attractiveness! Am I average? Above average? Below? I guess I really don’t know. Wondering if this is a common experience! Anyone else?

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yes i expect that will be pretty common and something i will definitely address in the final text... also part of what makes this poll so unscientific ;)

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Oct 28Liked by Jessica DeFino

Beauty culture makes us all believe we are below average unless we spend time and money using their products! I had a hard time answering because it depends so much on who is perceiving me. I think privilege also affects the rating so my answer was really long…

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Oct 28Liked by Jessica DeFino

Yeah I think that’s what I feel too - that attractiveness is so subjective that it depends who’s asking? Can 100% imagine different people giving all three answers about how attractive I am

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I work with a lot of BIPOC immigrant men. I am pale skinned and probably the only femme they’ve seen all week so they might rate me higher because there’s no one to compare to! If you lined up a bunch of other white late 30s folx I’d rank myself solidly in the middle.

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This was hard for me because I think I’ve changed levels of attractiveness in terms of mainstream beauty standards since transition. I used to be above average and now I’d say I’m below average—but only to cishet people. That transition did mean negatively impacting my finances—I lost a marriage to a well-off man and my wealthy family cut me off. But it also meant finding real happiness and liberation.

As I said in the form, choosing to give up my “pretty privilege” by transitioning gender and becoming a gender weirdo that men no longer find attractive has been fantastic. Not only have I divorced my self-worth from the mainstream gaze, being my authentic self has brought me fulfillment, good friends, and healthy romantic relationships. It’s also made me feel powerful and hot—I’m hot by my own standards and by the standards of other queer and trans freaks, I don’t need mainstream approval.

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this is such helpful feedback and exactly what i was hoping for from this poll!! there's so much to be said about separating standardized beauty from attractiveness, leaning into our own communities for validation and support vs. convention, and how the existential freedom of letting go of conforming to beauty/gender norms is often so much more fulfilling than whatever social/economic benefits we get from conforming to mainstream standards

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I’ll tell you what’s funny is that I spent so much of my life seeking male attention and validation because I was told my worth depended on it. When I stopped seeking it and actively rejected it—let me tell you those men still want to fuck me and they want to fuck me even more now, they just won’t admit it lol. But don’t worry, they’re all on Grindr looking for it on the DL (they’re just not gonna get it from me 😉)

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This was in most of my responses, I wasn’t exactly sure which box to check for “spending less effort on my appearance has made my life better”!

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Oct 28Liked by Jessica DeFino

I think if you consider Thin Privilege in addition to being attractive, you can’t help but benefit from that. I firmly believe you can be gorgeous and not straight sized but society doesn’t tend to glamourize those women who don’t conform to that.

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Oct 29Liked by Jessica DeFino

Yes! All of my poll replies referenced that I'm fat. I can't divorce my experience of beauty culture from my experience of being fat.

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author

it's all connected for sure!!

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oh of course. that will definitely be part of the final text

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Oct 28Liked by Jessica DeFino

I said something like this in my poll response (not to out myself) but fwiw I think negative self-talk is probably going to have a worse effect on the letter writer's life than her looks. I used to have this constant internal monologue that was like "i'm ugly… but it's fine…" and that was very bad for me. But nothing actually changed about how I looked when I stopped doing that—I didn't glam up or anything—what in fact turned it around (partly) was taking selfies all the time to send to somebody and getting to know my own face (your mileage may vary on this particular solution).

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author

100%!! i've had a similar experience. i think there's a lot to dig into here about insecurity vs. inequality and how there's so much we can do on the individual level to address the former

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yeah and I think we're surrounded by so many admonitions to positivity that being nasty to yourself can feel kind of satisfying—you're like, you can't make me do that bullshit!!!!! without realizing that what you're doing is just a different kind of bullshit lol

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Hey, this is really helpful. I needed to hear this today.

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<3

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I love the selfie idea! One of my friends would take short video selfies of herself to get a better sense of what she “really” looked like.

I am happiest when I’m not thinking about what I look like at all. The negative self talk is so pervasive though, I mostly just do the “mirror gazing” thing and hype myself up by saying “I’m interesting looking! I have unique features” or picking something specific to feel good about: strong legs, freckles, my outfit, whatever.

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yeah I can imagine that for another person, the selfie thing would be a fast track to neurosis but for me it was very helpful! the other thing that helped was sort of creating a mental persona for myself that was like, cartoonishly vain and self-confident.

I don't think people need to feel like they're the hottest thing or w/e… like my guess is that the letter writer here just looks… normal! But I think it's good to have affection for your own face / body and I think it's achievable for most of us.…

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The survey made me think about how I perceive myself (average or maybe unattractive) versus how other people react to me. Is there a return on investment for glamming myself up? I don’t think so; it takes a lot of time and money. I knew a woman once who was sooo pretty and so insecure about her skin. She would use cleansers and toners and moisturizers and retinol (or whatever). If she didn’t, she said her acne was terrible. I’m wondered if the acne was a reaction to her skin coming back into balance. It’s fascinating, this industrial beauty complex stuff.

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author

sooo fascinating. thanks for responding <3

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So interesting. I also got acne in my twenties, which I believe was hormonally, but spent so much time and money "removing it" that at times it could swallow my whole existence: Am I good enough? And one day it was gone, and was it really worth all the trouble, instead of being told that this too would pass someday.

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I replied that some of the written responses may require conversation and sipping tequila. So if that is of interest, that's me. 😄

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Oct 28Liked by Jessica DeFino

I like the photo choice! I’m curious about your thoughts on The Substance?

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author

oh i have so many thoughts. will probably write something about the film soon

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What an interesting study, I hope many will participate. In my responses, my racialized experience is also a huge part of it. Again, you cannot separate people's various privileges from their overall appearance - classic or unconventionally beautiful. Now that you've chosen to use an image from "The Substance" - fantastic film that everyone should watch, I would also recommend Coralie Fargeat's short film "Reality+" (2014) where she explores the themes and concepts, and simultaneously sets the tone and finds the visual style, for the current feature film. It deals with appearance and body ideals - women and men alike - and how scary it really is how many people are willing to alter their appearance to live up to an impossible body image. Just to feel accepted by their society, and to find love. To feel lovable. Is it really our own belief that life will improve remarkebly or have we been totally brainwashed?

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author

thanks for taking the survey! i totally agree with you. so many beauty standards are physical manifestations of systems of oppression (racism, sexism, colorism, classism, ableism, fatphobia, etc) and it's impossible to separate pretty privilege from these systems. will check out reality+!

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Thanks for bringing this important topic to light! Fargeat is definitely a director we should keep an eye on and who can bring body perceptions and the industries that want us to think less of ourselves come to surface and take part in the debate.

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Oct 29Liked by Jessica DeFino

I'm excited to see some further writing on this once you've collected the responses, both in your reply to that Ask Ugly question and otherwise.

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author

excited to dive into the data!

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Oct 29Liked by Jessica DeFino

Filled it out! Man do I have thoughts on this 😂

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author

thanks for responding <3 <3

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While filling out the form I noticed how much of my deconstruction of societal beauty standards and therefore the mitigation of their negative impact on my life has been thanks to your reporting. Since finding your writing in early 2022 my life has changed substantially for the better and my divestment from standardized definitions of beauty has played a large role in that. Your reporting and the passion with which you do it has resulted in me focusing on the truly important things and opening myself up to a much broader definition of beauty, inspired by yours. So thanks for helping me change my life for the better. I am eternally grateful for you and all that you do ❤️ Much love

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Oooo, taking the survey made me feel kind of sick, but I think it just revealed what's already there, i.e. lots and lots of negative self talk! Thank you, Jess, and thank you everybody in the comments for your insight.

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