Gwyneth Paltrow Gives A Bad Glow Job

"47 SKINCARE PRODUCTS TO FAKE GETTING FUCKED!"

Last week I received an email from Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop (we all know how I feel about Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop) with the subject line “glow job”. OK. Alright. Clever. I’ll click.

Inside, an inch-high headline:

“How to Get a Just-Had-An-Orgasm Glow”

Reader, what followed was a horror worse than anything I could’ve imagined: a nine-step regimen featuring twenty-two (22) products. There was an at-home chemical peel. A vitamin C serum. Moisturizer, mascara, lip and cheek tint, bronzer, highlighter, makeup setting spray. Hyaluronic acid serum. (See? HORROR!) There was even a vibrating facial massager — wrong vibe, GP — all to evoke a look that needs no products at all. At least, ahem, no skincare products.

The answer to “How To Get A Just-Had-An-Orgasm Glow” is, of course, just have an orgasm.

@goop

I know, I know. It’s easy to roll your eyes at the idea that orgasming could impact the health of your skin in any real, measurable way. (The same goes for all simple, free, built-into-human-physiology practices: breathing, sleeping, thinking, exercise, facial massage… ) But consider the possibility that this knee-jerk reaction of disbelief, doubt — distrust in your own mind, body, and skin — has been deliberately conditioned into you by consumer culture.

It benefits corporations when you think, “I am powerless compared to products.”

It benefits capitalism when you think, “These all-natural assholes are privileged/out-of-touch/delusional/whatever.”

It benefits the beauty industry when you think, “Of course an orgasmic glow necessitates 22 separate purchases!”

It benefits you when you think, “Hey, maybe this whole skincare thing is easier and cheaper and more accessible than a $140-billion-dollar industry wants me to believe.” Not to mention, more enjoyable. I mean, would you rather spend 20 minutes applying makeup or 20 minutes masturbating?

I’m serious! I have a whole chapter on orgasm-as-skincare in my upcoming book. I’ve reported on it before, too. Here’s an excerpt from an old (old!) article I wrote for Marie Claire:

After some deep-dive research, I did find a link between consistent orgasm and clearer, brighter, younger-look skin. In the ‘90s, Researcher David Weeks studied 3,500 people and found that women who had three orgasms a week looked, on average, 10 years younger than those who only had two. Furthermore, recent studies prove that female orgasm releases hormones that benefit skin (like estrogen, which helps maintain collagen), lowers cortisol levels (the stress hormone that can wreak havoc on skin), and boosts blood circulation, which stimulates and repairs collagen. I started to think of orgasming as a really, really fun version of retinol.

“Orgasming causes your brain to trigger an oxytocin release,” says Jennifer Vickers, M.D., of Sanova Dermatology in Texas, noting that the oxytocin (which is a happy, feel-good hormone) lowers cortisol levels, leads to better sleep, helps the skin heal itself, and decreases inflammation in the body. And while orgasming can’t necessarily reverse the effects of stress on the skin, Dr. Vickers speculates that it may stop stress-related skin disorders from flaring up in the first place.

At this point you may be thinking, If orgasms are so good for my skin, why haven’t I heard about this before? “Because orgasms are free,” says Regena Thomashauer, author of Pussy: A Reclamation. “In this culture, if it’s not tied to a product, it’s not really promoted.”

(Thomashauer noted that you don’t have to achieve full-on orgasm to reap most of these benefits, either; just experiencing pleasure is enough. And of course, the skin-loving power of orgasm goes beyond the gender binary.)

So the next time you see a headline like “HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOU GOT NINE HOURS OF SLEEP” or “GET THAT POST-WORKOUT GLOW” or “MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU DRINK EIGHT GLASSES OF WATER A DAY” or “47 SKINCARE PRODUCTS TO FAKE GETTING FUCKED!!!” — because these headlines are everywhere, and you will now notice them constantly — don’t bother clicking. The answer is right there in front of you.

Just sleep.

Or work out.

Or drink water.

Or fuck.* **

(*Yes, I know that ~we live in a society~ that makes it really, really hard to find the time and space to do these things for yourself. But let’s not pretend that these kinds of articles from the beauty media are altruistically speaking to people who’re struggling in that regard — they’re speaking to people with $800 to spend on serum!!! They’re convincing already-overworked-and-exhausted readers to spend the money they make at the job that exhausts them on eye cream that doesn’t actually do much!!!)

(**Yes, I know that many people can’t physically exercise, or can’t physically orgasm, for one reason or another. It doesn’t change the truth of the matter: If you do have the ability to exercise or orgasm — and you want to! — it will contribute to the health of your skin. If you do not have the ability to exercise or orgasm — or you don’t want to! — subjecting your skin barrier to 22 beauty products is not an effective alternative. [It might actually downgrade the health of your skin.] There are so many wonderful ways to connect with your unique body with its unique set of abilities if your goal is to support the health of your skin. Maybe it’s not exercise or orgasm — maybe it’s deep breathing and gratitude, or affirmations and time in nature, or meditation and a morning walk around the block. Not every thing is for every body, and that’s OK!! No one needs to do every thing! Take the techniques that resonate with you and leave the ones that don’t. Your skincare trash is someone else’s skincare treasure.)