I discovered ONE WEIRD TRICK to shake the tyranny of beauty standards and live a better, happier life: I stopped dating men.
It’s hard to talk about the societal value of beauty without talking about how it almost entirely boils down to being pleasing to men. I know this is a hot take in this “I got plastic surgery for ME!” Culture, but…
I discovered ONE WEIRD TRICK to shake the tyranny of beauty standards and live a better, happier life: I stopped dating men.
It’s hard to talk about the societal value of beauty without talking about how it almost entirely boils down to being pleasing to men. I know this is a hot take in this “I got plastic surgery for ME!” Culture, but if you don’t date men, you are off the hook on SO MANY THINGS.
Look, none of the middle aged straight men I know are getting work done, but all the gay ones are, because the male gaze is extremely demanding.
I wish I could say that I stopped dating men entirely by choice but it also turns out that after 45, men are just not that interested anymore. (I thought that “last fuckable day” thing was a myth or an exaggeration until it happened to me.) If dating men is the water you’ve been swimming in all your life, you don’t even realize how you’ve tortured and contorted yourself according to it’s rules. But once you’re out of it…it’s such a strange kind of freedom.
I am appalled by how much time and money I wasted maintaining long, pretty hair. Now I cut my own (short) hair and don’t even wash it. I either wear no makeup, or cake it on, not worried if men will think I look “fake.”
Weirdly, I think I look great even though I am invisible to straight men. (Sometimes the invisibility feels almost literal…there are men in my social circle who just never speak to me or make eye contact even if I am standing in front of them.) Women still tell me I look good. Women tell me I have a great body. Women like my Instagram selfies. Gay men love me.
I’m not trying to brag. I still have moments of weakness. Occasionally I will meet a man and be attracted to him and a downward spiral of thoughts will occur: maybe he would be interested if I got Botox and a thread lift and a skin rejuvenation and grew my hair out and plucked my eyebrows and got a nose job and…
But I don’t (and they are never interested, in spite of all the Pollyanna talk I hear about how men will like you for your personality or your confidence no matter what you look like.) I just repeat to myself: “you don’t date men anymore. This isn’t a thing. Snap out of it. Don’t waste money. Spend your money on art and vacations, not futile attempts to trick men into thinking you’re socially acceptable enough to like. Men are fucking terrible anyway.”
So yeah, anyway, consciously choosing to die alone is a great way to eliminate a good 90% of the negotiation.
This is really interesting to me because I had a complete opposite experience when I cut off all my long, blonde hair (and started checking out on a lot of beauty habits, stopped wearing bras regularly, shaving, wearing makeup, etc) when I was around 17-18. I got a lot of backhanded comments from women, like "you can get away with that, but I can't," but a lot of compliments from men. The confidence and IDGAF attitude was not attractive to everyone, but it was to some. Mostly I was bummed that other women seemed to regard me as some kind of traitor for opting out. Straight women, at least. But I guess that supports your experience, too.
I discovered ONE WEIRD TRICK to shake the tyranny of beauty standards and live a better, happier life: I stopped dating men.
It’s hard to talk about the societal value of beauty without talking about how it almost entirely boils down to being pleasing to men. I know this is a hot take in this “I got plastic surgery for ME!” Culture, but if you don’t date men, you are off the hook on SO MANY THINGS.
Look, none of the middle aged straight men I know are getting work done, but all the gay ones are, because the male gaze is extremely demanding.
I wish I could say that I stopped dating men entirely by choice but it also turns out that after 45, men are just not that interested anymore. (I thought that “last fuckable day” thing was a myth or an exaggeration until it happened to me.) If dating men is the water you’ve been swimming in all your life, you don’t even realize how you’ve tortured and contorted yourself according to it’s rules. But once you’re out of it…it’s such a strange kind of freedom.
I am appalled by how much time and money I wasted maintaining long, pretty hair. Now I cut my own (short) hair and don’t even wash it. I either wear no makeup, or cake it on, not worried if men will think I look “fake.”
Weirdly, I think I look great even though I am invisible to straight men. (Sometimes the invisibility feels almost literal…there are men in my social circle who just never speak to me or make eye contact even if I am standing in front of them.) Women still tell me I look good. Women tell me I have a great body. Women like my Instagram selfies. Gay men love me.
I’m not trying to brag. I still have moments of weakness. Occasionally I will meet a man and be attracted to him and a downward spiral of thoughts will occur: maybe he would be interested if I got Botox and a thread lift and a skin rejuvenation and grew my hair out and plucked my eyebrows and got a nose job and…
But I don’t (and they are never interested, in spite of all the Pollyanna talk I hear about how men will like you for your personality or your confidence no matter what you look like.) I just repeat to myself: “you don’t date men anymore. This isn’t a thing. Snap out of it. Don’t waste money. Spend your money on art and vacations, not futile attempts to trick men into thinking you’re socially acceptable enough to like. Men are fucking terrible anyway.”
So yeah, anyway, consciously choosing to die alone is a great way to eliminate a good 90% of the negotiation.
This is really interesting to me because I had a complete opposite experience when I cut off all my long, blonde hair (and started checking out on a lot of beauty habits, stopped wearing bras regularly, shaving, wearing makeup, etc) when I was around 17-18. I got a lot of backhanded comments from women, like "you can get away with that, but I can't," but a lot of compliments from men. The confidence and IDGAF attitude was not attractive to everyone, but it was to some. Mostly I was bummed that other women seemed to regard me as some kind of traitor for opting out. Straight women, at least. But I guess that supports your experience, too.