Truth, Beauty, & Dressing Like A Circus Tent

My Q&A with Jane Ratcliffe of Beyond.

I don’t usually share much about my personal life here, so if you’re more interested in, say, a researched analysis of how “glazed donut skin” is an aesthetic manifestation of the death drive than my innermost thoughts on divorce, feel free to skip this post and stay tuned for next week.

For everyone else: Journalist, novelist, and iconic interviewer

Jane Ratcliffe

interviewed me today for her newsletter,

Beyond

! Past guests include Cheryl Strayed, Ross Gay, and Lidia Yuknavitch — I am flattered to be included; I am aware of my own insignificance. We discussed the shapeless freedom of a good muumuu and my deep desire to go gray, among other things. You can read the full Q&A here, but I’ve included a short excerpt below too.

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Jane Ratcliffe: What’s an article of clothing that makes you feel most like you?

Jessica DeFino (me): I have this vintage 1970s muumuu that’s the shape of a small circus tent. It’s bright green and covered in a kaleidoscope of blue, white, and moth-brown butterflies. (Did you know that’s what a group of butterflies is called? A kaleidoscope?) It renders my body invisible and shapeless — freedom! Every time I slip it on, it’s as if I am the muumuu, and the muumuu is me, and I feel exactly as beautiful as this swathe of fifty-year-old fabric (very). 

What’s the best piece of wisdom you've encountered recently?

During our last session my Jungian analyst told me, “The gold is in the shit.” I said that made me feel better because my life has been feeling rather like a large load of shit lately and she said, perspective shift: What if it feels like fertilizer?

Tell me about any special relationship you’ve had with an animal, domestic or wild?

The house I’ve lived in for the past three years is on a lagoon, and I love to take care of all the lagoon creatures: ducks, swans, geese. One pair of ducks in particular really took to me and started waddling up to my back door every day for food. They’d literally knock on the glass door with their bills and I’d open up and throw a handful of waterfowl feed outside! The female made her nest in my garden this spring and laid 11 eggs. They were born on the Full Moon in May and I watched it happen. Seven hatched, one died in the nest, the mama led four to water, and one got left behind. I named him Hot Leg and he slept in my bedroom with me and I took him to a sanctuary the next day and cried for a week. The whole experience made me aware of both the miracle of life and the meaninglessness of mine!! 

What's one thing you are happy worked out differently than you expected?

My marriage. (I’m divorced.)

What are your hopes for yourself?

I hope I finish my book. I hope the ducks come back next spring. I hope I start the Jim Croce cover band I’ve been saying I’m going to start for the past couple years. I hope I find community. I hope I have people who will care for me when I get older. I hope I go gray soon (so chic). I hope I’m loved as hard as I love. 

What’s a guiding force in your life?

Truth and beauty! Same thing maybe?

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Head over to

Beyond

for the rest of the interview — the books I’m reading right now (No Meat Required by Alicia Kennedy), the YA novels I loved (was anyone else obsessed with Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging?), why quitting Twitter counts as skincare (less blue light exposure), and more.