This Is What Brands Think Love Is

The Valentine's Day PR emails in my inbox, ranked. (And a meme.)

Based on the Valentine’s Day-themed PR pitches that have piled up in my inbox over the past month, this is what beauty and wellness brands think love is. (Yes, these are actual quotes from actual marketing emails.)

• Vitamin B12. “B12 is a vital nutrient that supports red blood cell production and heart health.”

• Vitamin C. “Valentine’s day is about practicing self-love and to do that, a focus on whole body health is essential.”

• Eyebrow growth serum. “Start NOW for summer smizing behind our masks (welp!).”

• Bar soap. “What says ‘I love you’ more than the gift of self-care?” 

• Bath salts. “The salts feature a light hearted fruity scent that is definitely not boring.”

• Psychic readings. “We recommend giving the gift of spirituality.”

• Nail polish. “Guaranteed to heat up your Valentine’s Day.”

• Eye cream. “Because who doesn’t love bright and young eyes?”

• Liquid chlorophyll. “The formula works to detoxify the body and eliminate unwanted body odors.”

• UTI prevention powder. “Vaginas need some love and attention this holiday more than any other time!”

• Ketamine. “It allows you to calmly see yourself from a disassociated perspective.”

Anyway, I hope your Valentine’s weekend is filled with the recommended dose of B12 and zero UTIs. Enjoy it from a dissociated perspective!